Fear Factor

I was watching my ultimate favorite T.V. show C.S.I. Miami (Crime Scene Investigation) and one of the dialogues used by one of the characters shed light on why I stick to men that seem to have issues.

The girl was a reformed meth user who has a husband that's still an addict and beats her up. When Horacio Caine (CSI Miami head guy) asked her why she's still with him she said "In a way, me taking care of him keeps me clean and stay off the meth...." she was afraid that if she separated from her husband, she'll struggle to stay clean.

I would say that I'm like that girl. Eventhough I know that the guy is no good for me I still try hard to keep the relationship normal and functioning (whatever that is....) Since I KNOW I live alone (aside from my two dogs that is) I'm afraid to actually feel it creep in slowly and if I don't have a significant other (even if some are not entiltled to be called using that term) i know i'll have lots of idle time and feel even more depressed. Having a guy around, even if he's a mental case and is more emotional than me, takes my mind off things and allows the voices in my head to stay quiet and lie low for a few quiet moments. You ask why this is so? Because somehow guys suddenly need nurturing when they're with a girlfriend eventhough they're perfectly capable of self-preservation when they're on their own (not speaking in general, just from past experience). Their jealous natures divert your attention and of course companionship is a given. That is if you can take and get used to the on and off fights and possessive nature of your nutcase-occasional jerk-tactless boyfriend.

Im so used to having my loud brothers, crazy sister, wacky father and equally loud mother around that when the noise was gone, I actually began to miss it. Now, I can't believe I have gotten so used to the quiet that a mere sound startles me (for example: When I sleep, it's a deep sleep but when someone's at the door or if my dogs bark, I wake up easily........but come to think of it, I sometimes have difficulty waking up at the sound of my alarm clock. LOL. I'm a walking antithesis of myself). I even get spooked when the house is quiet then a wind blows and i see the curtain move at the corner of my eye (damn peripheral vision!)

My bestfriend's sister believes a woman can stand alone and be happy without a man by her side. I believe that's possible. As for me I like to have someone to love and someone who'll also love me in return......someone who'll be my companion, be the one that has my back covered like i do for him and all that mushy and serious, good stuff on what a relationship is all about.

I have already come to realize and accept that as I'm growing older, I become more afraid of being alone. I fear even the slightest thought of it. But somehow accepting and admitting to myself that I have this fear also allows me to deal with if not conquer it.